Lynn Abate-Johnson · Jul 14, 2025 · 4 min read
Out Of Love Book: It's Not Mine To Carry
My fellow caregivers will relate to this one, and for those who have yet to be thrust into the role of family caregiver, with generations aging, your turn may be coming up next.
My purpose in writing Out Of Love: A Daughter’s Journey With Her Mom To The End was to be of service to other family caregivers, to let you know that you are not alone. I see you. I feel you.
One of the chapters I wrote, entitled “Get A Grip” has been very well received, according to the feedback I’ve had. Readers say that my newly discovered mantra is also helpful for them, which is the whole point of me sharing it, of course.
What’s the mantra?
“It’s not mine to carry.”
Here’s an excerpt (with some of the back story of my journey to that mantra) from #OutOfLoveBook:
I had to find ways to rationalize what was not mine to carry. In the years since my mom’s death, I’ve developed a new mantra that helps me normalize those emotions that I used to think were selfish and unnecessary. Hint: They are all necessary, and now, welcome.
My mantra today: “Is this mine to carry?”
My mom didn’t need me hovering over her. In fact, it was detrimental at times for her and our relationship. It became clear to me after most of that first year passed that my mom often rallied and did better when I wasn’t hovering over her. I needed to force myself to stay away and let others fill in. I was frequently too involved to the point where it wasn’t good for her or for me to be there in person. So I did my best to check in from a distance and manage my own inner conflict and anxiety about leaving control to others in our circle. I remember saying to my mom that it was a good thing she had five kids!
When I couldn’t be with my mom, I cried at home. You keep your shit together and do what is necessary to be of service out of love for your family member or friend and then allow yourself those moments to let it all out.
The tears, the rage, the loneliness, the despair—they all needed to vent out of me like a pressure cooker, and each unique human might process what I experienced differently. It’s such an individual and personal thing, and it was how I grieved. I was staying with my mom on most weekdays because my husband was traveling for work, and so when he’d come home on the weekends, I’d go home to be with him. That’s when I’d let my emotions flow. What I know for sure is that this process needs to happen in some healthy way, shape, or form.
To my surprise and delight, I have learned that caregivers have organized all over the world.
I hadn’t realized this until I became a caregiver myself. In many local areas, in-person and online resources are available for support, thus allowing caregivers the foundation of self-care they need on their personal journey.
I remember seeing things like “Yoga for Caregivers” and other cool activities that surfaced after my mom died. A good friend of mine leads meditations and workshops for mindful caregiving. Pretty powerful, magical, valuable stuff.
At the end of each of my chapters, I include prompts for you to consider along your journey as a family caregiver. That section is entitled “Further Inquiry”, and it’s also proven to be useful for my readers.
Further Inquiry:
Where is your safe spot to vent? The car? The laundry room? When everyone finally leaves the house? Wherever it is, protect that space and use it as frequently as you need to. It’s better to let it all out than to silence it.
In closing, I invite you to explore what is yours to carry and what you can set down, or hand off to others to carry. We don’t ALL need to carry ALL the weight of the world at ALL times, so be good to yourself and get curious about how you carry weight when it’s not necessary. You got this, fellow caregiver!
Reach out to Lynn at LynnAbateJohnson.com and get signed copies of Out Of Love: A Daughter’s Journey With Her Mom To The End here: https://bit.ly/OutOfLove-BUY
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