Susanne White · Aug 05, 2025 · 5 min read
Why Caregivers Feel Guilt and 5 Powerful Ways to Release It
If you are a caregiver, you will at one time or another deal with feelings of guilt during your caregiving experience. Guilt appears to be woven into the DNA of caring for others. It can run quietly in the back of our minds and affect our decisions, self-worth, relationships, and overall health and well-being.
Caregiver guilt is the feeling that we have done something wrong, are not doing enough, and are
somehow failing our loved ones, even though we work tirelessly to fulfill our role.
Let’s examine several reasons why we feel guilty and explore how to manage and release that nagging feeling. Here are a few of the contributing factors that set the stage for guilt.
Perfectionism and Unrealistic Expectations
Because the stakes are so high, we believe we must be perfect, never make mistakes, never lose patience, and always be available. When we can’t be perfect or meet the overwhelming expectations we have for ourselves, we begin to believe we are bad caregivers. Trying to do everything perfectly lays the foundation for our disappointment and guilt.
Conflicting Roles
Juggling our role as caregivers with work, parenting, and our relationships can feel overwhelming, leading us to believe we will fail at all of them. Feeling overwhelmed and overcommitted makes us feel out of balance. We feel guilty that we are not all things to all people and that we are incapable of successfully handling our lives.
Difficult Decisions
We feel guilty when having to make life-changing decisions such as admitting someone to a nursing home, hiring help, or delegating caregiving to others. We feel as though we are letting our loved ones down by not being able to offer alternative circumstances, as if we had a magic wand that would make everything better. When we make these decisions, we attach betrayal, abandonment, and failure to them.
Not Being Able to Fix Everything
Caring for others brings out the fixer in us. We desperately try to patch lives back together, make it all go away, or get everything back to the old normal. We want to fix everyone and everybody, even though it’s not within our reach or reality. When we are unable to fix the unfixable, we beat ourselves up and feel guilty about it.
Resentments
Most caregivers will, at some point, harbor resentments. We become upset about things like putting our life on hold, losing our sense of the old normal, and caring for those who can’t or don’t appreciate or value our time and effort. We then feel guilty because, after all, caregivers are not allowed to feel bad about their caregiving journey.
These are but a few of the contributing factors causing caregiver guilt and its emotional consequences.
Understanding how we respond under the pressure of these unrealistic expectations and the feelings they elicit gives us clues to relieving our state of guilt. Here are some practical tools to help relieve and release our feelings of caregiver guilt.
Identifying Guilt and Putting a Name to It
The fastest way to beat caregiver guilt to the curb is to be aware of it and name it. We need to pay attention to and notice what we are saying to ourselves and how we are feeling. Are we holding ourselves responsible for situations beyond our control? Are we constantly questioning our decisions and actions? Regret, fear of judgment, and self-blame are all symptoms of guilt. Be on the lookout for and take the time to question these feelings and reactions. Name them for what they are: guilt. What would you say to your best friend if they were feeling this way?
Reframe Should with Could
Switching from should to could may sound like a subtle change, but this simple reframe can make a big difference in how we view ourselves and how we show up in the world. The word ‘should’ carries the weight of judgement and self-criticism, while the word ‘could’ demonstrates opportunity and possibility. It even speaks to our curiosity and creativity. If we think we have a chance to do something with a possibility attached to it, we can feel excited instead of fearing failure. Listen for the “shoulds” in your head and conversations and begin to use “coulds” instead.
Set Boundaries
Setting boundaries helps us care for our loved ones without losing ourselves. This sets a solid, balanced approach to guilt-free caregiving. Knowing our limits, being clear and direct, and sticking to our guns helps us set healthy boundaries, which in turn creates realistic expectations for all involved. No is a complete sentence.
Letting Go of Doing It Alone
Caregiving takes a village. When we enlist the help of others, the responsibility is on everyone’s shoulders, not just ours. The community works together, and we alone are not responsible for everything. Accepting help is not a weakness; it is a powerful strategy that makes life easier for everyone.
Talk It Out
Open up and share your feelings of guilt with someone you trust. When guilt lives in silence, it grows. Getting support and feedback from someone who cares for you can instantly give you a new perspective. Getting validation soothes the inner critic. Hearing your inner thoughts spoken out loud diminishes their power over you. Sharing your experience eliminates the feeling of being alone in a challenge.
Applying these tools can help shift self-blame to self-compassion. You will see how well-intended and successful you are, begin to see your worth, and permit yourself to be human. You will recognize that effort is more important than outcome, and that showing up and caring deeply is where grace is found. And grace is always more powerful than guilt.
Susanne White
The Caregiver Warrior
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